Posted By FarmerJ on November 20, 2008

I had great intentions of writing this entry last night, but to be completely honest, I just didn’t have anything left in me after the day I had in the kitchen yesterday.

You know I’m up to my Adam’s Apple in apples and on a mission to get them all processed before they spoil.  My goal for the day was to process the box of Golden Delicious, since that’s what we had the most of and some were starting to get a little soft ~ you know what they say about one bad apple.  The Golden Delicious payload was approximately 55 lbs.

My adventures began when Darling Husbie left for work.  I’m pretty good at multi-tasking, so I was gleeful in anticipation of all that was to be accomplished.  I had a crockpot full of apples that had simmered all night ready to puree, add the sugar and spices and then let simmer again for six hours.  So, that was my first order of business.  Nothing extraordinary there ~ except my hand mixer I’m using to puree the apples has some kind of turbo driven maniac inside of it…the lowest setting of ’1′ is still Warp 9 speed and manages to leave me standing at the counter with hot apple freckles and polka-dotted walls.  I don’t even want to fathom what would happen if I used the mixer on its setting of ’6′ and pressed the ‘Boost’ button!  So, I got myself and the walls cleaned up and eagerly started my next task.  The clock chimed 10:45 a.m.

I set up my assembly line to get those apples peeled, cored and sliced.  That sure was a big box of apples.  Okay.  Pampered Chef Apple Gadget?  Check.  Cutting board and knife to cut away any bad spots?  Check.  Ginormous bowl of cold water with Fruit Fresh?  Check.  Plastic grocery bag in sink to toss the peels and cores into for the compost pile?  Check.  With everything in place, I dove in ~ I knew I was going to be here a while.  It’s amazing how quickly repetitive robotic motion can cause pangs of hunger.  I decided I would crank out a few more apples and then stop to take a lunch break.  The clock chimed 11:30 a.m.

Darling Husbie surprised the girls and I with a visit home for lunch.  Perfect timing!  Having glanced around the kitchen and smelled the heavenly scent of apples and cinnamon, Husbie commented on my diligent activities.  Boy, that sure was a big box of apples.  We ate some lunch consisting of various leftovers, which was great because it cleared some space in the refrigerator.  Husbie had to work late last night, so he was able to take an extended lunch ~ not me…I had apples to tend to.  The clock chimed 12:15 p.m.

Stick apple on dagger.  Crank, crank, crank.  Inspect slice coil for bad spots, cut out if necessary.  Plop into water.  Pull off core.  Plop into bag in sink.  ♦♦ Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!  ♦♦  Stick apple on dagger.  Crank, crank, crank.  Inspect slice coil for bad spots, cut out if necessary.  Plop into water.  Pull off core.  Plop into bag in sink.

Now my ginormous bowl was full of sliced apples, my plastic bag in the sink runneth over and the Pampered Chef Apple Gadget was beginning to squeak.  Up until this point, I had been making all the Apple Butter in the crockpot.  I began thinking it would perhaps be advantageous to get a second batch simmering on the stovetop.  I mean, why wouldn’t it be?

So, I got the pot of apples simmering on the stovetop; the ginormous bowl was full of cold water and Fruit Fresh; the cutting board and knife were in place; and, there was a new plastic bag in the sink.  I gave the Apple Butter simmering in the crockpot a quick stir for good measure.  There!  All set to go again.  Wow, there sure were a lot of apples in that big ol’ box.  The clock chimed 2:30 p.m.

Squeak, squeak, squeak.  Was that a tiny pile of metal shavings off the back of the Pampered Chef Apple Gadget?  Gracious.  I’d better remember to check the Pampered Chef website to see if there is a little ‘L’ next to this item ~ I may need to cash in on the Lifetime Warranty at this rate.  The ginormous bowl was once again brimming over, the plastic bag was topped out and the crank of the Apple Gadget was warm to the touch.  I’d better let it cool off a bit.  The clock chimed 4:00 p.m.

Since I was multi-tasking, this was a great opportunity to switch gears.  I gave the apples simmering on the stovetop a quick stir.  All’s well there.  I filled my big pot for hot water canning with water and began sterilizing the pint jars, as the Crockpot Apple Butter would soon be finished.  And, I set the oven to preheat to 400°.  It was now time to season the ground pork and shape them into little meatballs.  I was making Darling Husbie his favorite soup for dinner ~ Albandigas Soup.  At least I was using different muscles and wires in my brain to roll the pork into meatballs.  Still repetitive robotic movement, but at least different.  I was relieved when I didn’t hear any squeaking from this activity, since I wasn’t using any gadgets for this.

With the first four dozen meatballs in the oven, it was now time to tend to the apple butter in the crockpot.  But first, I needed to puree the apples simmering on the stovetop, add the sugar and spices and set them to simmer some more.  Yeah, processing them this way was a lot quicker than in the crockpot.  Why hadn’t I been doing this all along?  So, I got the jars filled with the Crockpot Apple Butter and nestled into their hot water bath only to find that too much water had evaporated while I was ‘multi-tasking’ and I needed to add some additional water to the pot.  The clock chimed 4:30 p.m.

There sure was a lot of sizzling going on in the oven.  I opened the oven door to have a peek inside ~ only to be greeted with a plume of smoke.  Ack!  Nothing was burning; it was just smoke from the fat drippings, but I’d better let the smoke clear out of there lest the meatballs take on the taste of it.  The apple butter simmering on the stovetop was beginning to bubble and sputter like hot lava in the base of a volcano.  I gave it another quick stir to keep it from sticking to the pot.  It was doing just fine.  Okay, back to increasing the water level in the hot water canner.

Just as I was beginning to pour the water into the canner, I noticed some more smoke seeping through the oven vents.  Okay, so there was a lot of smoke billowing through the oven vents.  I used one hand to open the oven door to let the smoke escape ~ and as I was doing that, the water vessel I was using to add water slipped from my other hand and landed in the hot water canner making a nice tidal wave of boiling water all over the stovetop.  Simultaneously, I noticed the nice apple butter lava was now in full eruption and spewing hot molten all over the…well, everything.

The boiling water tidal wave was still spattering angrily, the apple butter was quickly expelling from the stockpot and smoke was still surging from the oven ~ and the smoke alarm was now wailing.  During that split second prior to the screeching of the alarm, I recognized that all-familiar sound of ‘whop, whop, whop’ in the near distance.  Needing to act quickly to get the alarm to shut off and the animals to stop panicking, I reached for the kitchen window to open it hoping most, or at least some, of the smoke would escape ~ just in time to see Lovie fly by.  Usually the girls and I will make a mad dash downstairs and out the front door to wave, but this was definitely not a good time for that.  Perhaps if Husbie was looking down at the house at just the right moment, he would see the kitchen window rolling open in a waving gesture.  Or, not.

I couldn’t have orchestrated a better ‘Calgon’ moment if I had tried.  I stood there in my kitchen, somewhat in disbelief at the explosion ~ or implosion, depending on how you want to look at it ~ that had just occurred.  There was one good thing, though.  Silence.  The smoke alarm had quit its deafening shrill.  As I looked around the disaster zone, I had two choices.  Laugh or cry.  I chose to laugh as I listened to the ‘whop, whop, whop’ fade away.  What were the chances that my Lovie would buzz the house at that precise moment when so much chaos was taking place?  About one in a million.  I found it all to be quite humorous.  The clock chimed 4:37 p.m.

Well, as you might imagine, the remainder of my evening was filled with cleaning up the aftermath of this smoldering mess.  To make a long story a wee bit shorter:

The Crockpot Apple Butter was successfully canned and another batch of sliced apples was placed in the crockpot to simmer overnight.

Seven and a half dozen little pork meatballs were baked.  Forty of them were used in Husbie’s Albandigas Soup; the rest were placed in the freezer for next time.  I think I will use the cast iron skillets on the stovetop the next time I make meatballs.

The Apple Butter made on the stovetop actually turned out more like Cinnamon Applesauce.  Nonetheless, it was successfully canned and will be enjoyed…as applesauce.  I won’t be making any more stovetop apple butter.

I did reach the bottom of the 55-lb box of apples before the night was over.  I mean, to have gone through all of that and not reach my goal?  No way!

Husbie enjoyed his homemade Albandigas Soup ~ definitely made with love and almost tears ~ he must have, because he ate three bowls of it before letting the Toy Fox Terrorist lick his bowl clean.

I utilized the Self-Clean function on my new oven for the first time.  I thanked the Lord profusely for a Darling Husbie who insisted I not scrimp and cheat myself of this function just to save a few bucks when we bought this stove/oven.  Having this luxury last night was worth that oven’s weight in gold, and then some.  I also thanked the Lord for giving me such a patient Husbie ~ he tolerated all the smoke and yicky smell emanating from the oven during the cleaning cycle…and man, was it brutal.

And, I got the stovetop, microwave oven about the stove, walls, dishes, Pampered Chef Apple Gadget and myself all cleaned up ~ all before the clock chimed 9:00 p.m.

Today, I’m ready to go again.  The candles are lit in an attempt to rid the house of the ‘clean oven’ smell ~ even the heavenly scent of apples and cinnamon are not enough for this task.  The apple butter is simmering in the crockpot and will be ready to can in just a little while.  Two more batches of sliced apples are in the refrigerator waiting their turn to become apple butter.

And, of course, there is yet another box of apples blissfully placed beside the Pampered Chef Apple Gadget.  Today’s flavor is Red Delicious.  Come to think of it, I’d better go check that website to inquire about that lifetime warranty on the Apple Gadget.

Categories: Culinary Crack-Ups
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