Posted By FarmerJ on October 25, 2008

Diagram A

Something I’ve taken to heart since moving to the Prairie Farmstead is my strong desire to learn how to ‘live off the land.’  I have a lot of work to do in this area.  Although I am not so naive as to believe that my meat originates in perfectly wrapped styrofoam containers which are neatly arranged in well-lit refrigerated coolers in the grocery store, I have not yet come to a strong grasp with looking my meat in the eye.

Oh, how the old Pioneer Ladies would be so ashamed of me!  The other day, a fellow soldier and friend gave my darling Husbie a fish.  A big, beautiful Trout that he had caught in one of Nebraska’s finest reservoirs.  Of course I was most grateful of his generosity.  However, looking back on it all now, I should have known.  I should have known this fish was going to…um…let’s just say he will remain a memorable one.

You see, it all started when my very helpful darling Husbie retrieved the fish from the Armory freezer and, unbeknown to me, placed him in a bag containing some Pampered Chef items which another soldier asked me to give to another soldier’s wife on behalf of his wife.  Follow me there?  Well, that part’s not important.  Pampered Chef ~ I see the irony there, now.  Anyway, I had my arms full of Family Readiness Group (FRG) materials, boxes of microwave popcorn, my purse, and this big bag of Pampered Chef items.  Thankful that I had made it to the truck (braving the 45 mph wind gusts which was pelting my face with tiny ice crystals) without dropping anything, I placed everything on the back seat.  Satisfied that everything was secure and safe from the weather, I decided to peer into the Pampered Chef bag to see what kind of goodies D had gotten.  Gah!  There was said fish, stiff as a board, lookin’ at me!  Yes, I should have known at that moment that it was only the beginning of my adventures with him.

Husbie and I had to run a couple of errands on our way home.  I had many things on my mind as a result of the morning’s FRG activities as well as making mental lists of tasks I needed to accomplish within the next few days.  Needless to say, the fish had completely slipped my mind until a few hours later.  I immediately retrieved him from the Pampered Chef bag and was relieved to find that he was still quite cold but had thawed too much to place him back in the freezer.  I didn’t waste any time placing him in the fridge, though, because once he was in there, he couldn’t look at me anymore.  And, how terrific!  I no longer had to wonder what we’d have for dinner the following night.

He was plenty big to make a nice meal out of.  I wanted to bake him somehow since it was rather brisk outside and a good day to have the oven on.  But, I knew I had a problem and my problem wasn’t in finding a recipe.  My problem was, well…ummmm…he was lookin’ at me!  I couldn’t do anything with him because his one eye just kept lookin’ at me.  So, I did what any respectable prairie girl would do ~ I called upon the advice and support of fellow prairie girls.  I begged of them to help me rise from the shame, to tell me how to not be so pitiful and ‘deal’ with his head so he’d quit lookin’ at me while I tried to stuff him full of lemon and onion slices.  And, I asked for their prayers for strength.  I have to tell you I was commending all those Norton fisherman right about now and was wishing I could just get some of their magical square fish.

Well, my fellow prairie girls had armed me with much advice regarding the tools of the trade ~ everything ranging from plastic bags and napkins to tin snips and pliers, and even mud and an olive.  (Note: I didn’t receive some of the advice until I had already completed the ‘task.’)  Their prayers worked, too, because before too long I felt I had what it takes to live off the land.  {Okay, this is a good point to go get a fresh cup of hot tea.}

Donned in my favorite apron made for me by my dear friend J ~ the one I wear when it’s time to get down to serious business…and making this fish quit lookin’ at me was serious business ~ I was pretty confident as I stood with my big knife in hand.

SFC L had done a great job of…um…removing the insides and placed him in a Food Saver bag, so fortunately he was nice and contained.  I made the mistake of turning the bag over, though, to see if perhaps SFC L had closed that eyelid before vacuuming the bag shut.  But no.  The bag had actually sucked down rather tightly on that side and it did some really weird things to that eyeball.  I quickly turned him back over to the side I was used to lookin’ at me.

I had him laid out precisely on the cutting board ~ still in the bag because I was taking Advice #1 of having the head contained for easy disposal.  (Oh yeah, I didn’t follow through with the second part of Advice #1 by reserving the head to make fish stock.)  So, with left hand grasping him by the body and with right hand raised in the air grasping my big knife, I took Advice #2 and ‘just did it.’  I hacked his head off.  Except his head didn’t fully separate from his body.  I guess my big knife wasn’t as big and as sharp as I thought it was. My confidence level fell immediately.  So now I had to resort to sawing motions ~ while he was lookin at me.  Let’s just say I am ever so thankful there was no video camera in my kitchen.  I can still feel where certain muscles in my face were contorted.

So now, here’s where the tin snips and pliers would have been really nice.  But, this part of the advice I didn’t receive until I had already done the deed.  I was just so relieved that he was no longer lookin’ at me.  Well, he was trying, but now it was from within a Wal-Mart bag with a napkin over his head…all part of Advice #3.  I took him out of the Food Saver bag now, because I once again had my confidence.  He had nothin’ on me now ‘cuz he wasn’t lookin’ at me.  The contortion in my face muscles had since relaxed enough that I could now see I had a tail and five fins to deal with.  See Diagram A above. No problem.  I had my big, not-so-sharp knife and my confidence.

Except there was a problem.  I didn’t realize that fish are as slimy while they’re…um…dead as they are when they’re alive and fighting you to get the hook out of their mouth.  I spun him around so now I was holding him around the wide part with my left hand and was beginning to whack his tail off with my big knife.  But it’s not so sharp and I must once again resort to sawing.  I knew I’d better get a good grasp on him since I had to apply some pressure to saw.

Well, here inlaid the problem.  He was really slippery and he had no head to hold onto anymore.  When I grasped him a little stronger, he shot out of my hand like you read about.  You know, like those soft plastic water filled tubes that the kids play with?  The ones that are nearly impossible to hold onto?  He was like that as he shot across my kitchen counter and landed up against the three remaining watermelons from the garden.  Thank the Lord those watermelon were sitting there, or else he would have gone all the way to the wall and bounced off behind the stove.  Then I’d have a different story to tell.

I collected him onto the cutting board again and proceeded to remove the tail.  Armed with ‘knowledge is power’ and knowing now that he was slippery, I held him a little more tightly and carefully while I cut away the two lower fins.  I was pretty tired by now and he wasn’t lookin’ much like a fish anymore, so I left the other fins intact.  I gave him a good washin’ and seasoned him up with some garlic powder, salt, pepper and lemon juice.  I stuffed him with some onion slices and wrapped him in foil.

Advice #4 had something to do with scales.  Scales?  I hadn’t even thought about scales.  Thank the Lord again SFC L took care of those for me.  That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

I presented him on the table to my darling Husbie and Son16 without any a word of what it took to get dinner on the table that night.  He was okay.  Not the tastiest fish we’ve had, but we gratefully ate him nonetheless.  After all, I needed something to regain my strength.

I guess I could have just gone with the menu plan which called for fried potatoes and kielbasa, but then look at all I would have missed out on.

I think it’s quite safe to say ~ I have an enormous amount of work to do in this area.

Categories: Culinary Crack-Ups
Tags: